Advice on Relationships and other issues

A Paragraph from “True Love”

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 14:42:40 -0800

Today I was reviewing Thich Naht Hanh’s book, “True Love”, from which I only need read a few paragraphs to move me into more peaceful, loving space. I wanted to share two paragraphs that touched me today and reminded me that we must to take time to love:

“Do you have enough time to love? Can you make sure that in your everyday life you have a little time to love? We do not have much time together; we are too busy. In the morning while eating breakfast, we do not look at the person we love, we do not have enough time for it. We eat very quickly while thinking about other things, and sometimes we even hold a newspaper that hides the face of the person we love. In the evening when we come home, we are too tired to be able to look at the person we love.
We must bring about a revolution in our way of living our everyday lives, because our happiness, our lives, are within ourselves.” (from “True Love” by Thich Naht Hanh, pp. 10-11)

Thich Naht Hanh suggests that you must bring your mind and your body together in the same moment in order to really love the person you are with. Once you are fully present, you can then say something like, “Dear one, I am here for you.” When it is clear that you are fully present with your loved one, and you then say something like the above mantra, the impact on your loved one can be profound.

Even though we may learn that love is expressed in many ways (through money, gifts, trips together, etc.) we really don’t experience love unless we are in the moment, body and mind, with our loved one. Thich Naht Hanh beautifully illustrates this point in his book “True Love”. It is a small book, and I recommend it for anyone seeking to achieve inner peace and fully experience love.

Couples Therapy: Frequently Asked Questions

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:10:04 -0800

When should we seek couples counseling?
The short answer is as soon as it is first considered. It is well-known that couples generally put off coming in to see someone when they begin feeling distressed. We tend to hope that tomorrow will be better than today so it is on average 6+ years before most couples seek help. By then more hurt feelings and misunderstandings have occurred and interactive patterns set. The sooner the couple comes in, the better. This is an investment in the health of your relationship, yourselves and your children.

How many sessions will it take?
It varies from couple to couple. Some may benefit with a few sessions. These are usually the people who have a healthy foundation in their relationship and know they are committed to each other for life. Others take longer because the disconnection between them is more pronounced. Healing these relationships does take time and conscientiousness on the part of each partner for the most growth to occur. It has usually taken years to get to this point, so the healing may also take time.
I usually suggest that a couple commit themselves to attending 12 sessions, which is how long it takes to get really good at relationship dialogue. Then re-assess and figure out if more therapy seems necessary.

How often are the sessions?
Initially. I suggest weekly sessions, for at least the first few weeks. This makes the most sense to get momentum going and also to get you quickly to a place where you can practice some skills at home. Once you have learned the basic skills, most of the work occurs outside the sessions, at home between the couple. So the more you practice, the less sessions are required. Sessions are meant to teach new skills, to create a safe climate where each person’s story can be revealed to increase understanding of the partner and self, and to experience connection.

How do we pick a couples therapist? Are all couples therapists the same?
I recommend you ‘interview’ the therapists by phone to find out if they have specialized training in doing couples’ work. If the therapist has specialized training, what is it? Also ask approximately how many couples the therapist has seen and over how many years. What is the therapist’s approach to couples therapy, and how is the session structured. You’ll also want to know what the therapist expects from the couple in the sessions and outside the session. Also ask any other specific questions you may have. This is an important decision.

What if I can’t afford it?
The therapist may have a payment plan or have times when they will lower their standard fee due to financial hardship. Check with your therapist about these possibilities. But do not let this keep you from getting at least some sessions to gain working knowledge and skills to begin to grow your relationship.

Do you take insurance for couples therapy?
Major insurance companies do not cover marital or couples therapy. They do not view marriage/couples counseling as ‘medically necessary’ which is what the insurance companies are there for. Some couples therapists may bill insurance companies for “family therapy” when they are providing “marital” or “couples therapy”. When billed in this way, therapists can be reimbursed for an hour of service. This may work if you or your partner have a major mental illness, and you are seeing the therapist for treatment of that mental illness.

In my practice, I see couples for 90 minute sessions. Insurance companies will not pay for this amount of time. In addition, when I see couples, I am not treating mental illness. I am teaching relationship skills. Therefore, I do not bill insurance for couples therapy.

Relationship Advice: Overcoming Jealousy

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 22:17:00 -0800

Many of us have experienced pangs of jealousy in our relationship. But what is the purpose of jealousy, and how can we overcome jealousy? Jealousy arises in our relationships when we are feeling threatened. However, beneath jealousy is a deeper emotion: fear. The fear and insecurity is there because we are afraid of losing something important to us, typically a relationship with a loved one. So, one purpose of jealousy is that it allows you to understand how important a loved one is in your life. This is good news! If that person wasn’t important, then you wouldn’t fear their loss. Ultimately, we want to re-establish the connection in our relationships. However, sometimes (maybe often) when we get scared we start to feel helpless and out of control. To regain a sense of control, we get angry. Unfortunately, when we get angry, we start to lose the sense of connection in our relationship. In anger, we are no longer available for connection. We begin to feel more distant, our fear increases, and that increases our anger. This means that Jealousy is a cycle.

CYCLE OF JEALOUSY

Once we are in the Cycle of Jealousy we tend to lose sight of the positive purpose of jealousy: that it tells you how important your relationship is to you. Once we lose touch with the importance of our relationship, we move into the cycle of jealousy, which in the end, may pose a real threat to the relationship.

Ultimately, we cannot overcome jealousy through anger. To overcome jealousy we must express our real, genuine fear along with our deep desire to stay in connected in your relationship. Our loved one’s job is to hear that we are scared. This does not mean blaming our loved one. To move out of the cycle of jealousy we must acknowledge that we are responsible for our own emotions. No one has “made” you jealous, because no one controls your emotions except for you. You might have a reaction to a situation, but it is then your responsibility to first acknowledge your feelings and then ask for what you need in your relationship. Once you can ask for what you need, you can start to feel safer in the relationship. In this way, you create a process of re-connection instead of feeding the cycle of jealousy. Below is a simplified example of how to start the process of overcoming jealousy:

By engaging in re-connection rather than in the cycle of jealousy, you will be able to acknowledge the original purpose of your jealousy: that your relationship is important and that you want to keep your relationship. If you can engage in the process of re-connection you will avoid the misuse of jealousy.
Begin the process of formal face-to-face relationship dialogue to help you overcome jealousy. Avoid communicating about these issues over e-mail, text messages, or even the phone (if possible). E-mail and text messaging, in particular, will lead to emotional reactivity and misunderstanding. Rather, sit down for a face-to-face dialogue without any distractions. Use of tools such as the the structured Relationship Dialogue (see my previous Relationship Advice post) will help you move through this process successfully. This is hard work. But...with relationship dialogue, you can do it!

© Copyright 2010
Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D.

Download a copy of this article as a PDF

The 5-to-1 Ratio: Repairing Your Relationship

Sat, 3 Jan 2009 12:01:31 -0800

Taking responsibility for repairing your relationship can be difficult, but keep in mind that if your relationship is serious business all the time then it will also be no fun. And who wants a relationship that’s no fun?!?!

Repairing your relationship is not just about dialogue. It’s also about enjoying the time you have with your partner. Keep in mind that for every difficult thing that happens in your relationship (a fight, a lost job, a rough holiday) you should do Five things that help you to re-connect with your partner in positive ways. Imago suggests you keep a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to difficult events in your relationship. This will help you to remember all the strong reasons you’re in your relationship to begin with. But it also requires conscious effort on your part. When there’s a breach in your connection with your partner, it’s your responsibility to attempt to repair the breach. One way to reconnect is to have fun together. And fun doesn’t just happen, you have to create the opportunity for it to happen.

Recently, the Reverend Ed Young in Texas challenged the couples in his congregation to have sex for 7 days in a row. His prescription for increased sex was really about increasing connection. In fact, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach recently said the purpose of sex is emotional intimacy (according to Genesis 2:24). Sex is a great tool to help you reconnect and heal your emotional connection with your partner.

Make a list of fun things you and your partner can do together when things get a bit rough. Have a date, go to the beach, play a game together, or have sex...the list is infinite. Keep your list and keep adding to it. And remember to strive for a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to difficult events in your relationship.

The Power of Imago Dialogue

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 11:33:46 -0800

The challenge of our age is to get our needs met while staying in connection with others. The dark side of our human legacy has been to violate our connections in service of our own needs. On a grand scale, such action is the stuff of war. The truth of Imago is that through a conscious process of dialogue we can meet our needs while maintaining deep connections with others. As humans, we can achieve the daunting goal of global peace. But the model for such outcomes must burgeon from our intimate relationships, the place where we have the most vulnerability. If we maintain connection when we feel the most vulnerable, then maintaining connection in other parts of our lives becomes a matter of fact. We are no longer required to harm others (physically or emotionally) to meet our own needs. Through intentional dialogue we meet our own needs by meeting the needs of others: “I get psychological healing by giving psychological healing to you.” Healing comes from connection. There is simply no other way to get it.

When we use blame, shame or criticism, we begin to lose our connections. So, when we blame, shame, or criticize we also lose access to our own healing process: we get stuck. The power of the Imago Dialogue is that we no longer have to stay stuck.

(For more on Imago in the World see Tim Atkinson’s article: “Dreaming of World Peace? Start with your Relationship.”)

More on Imago: Becoming Intentional in Your Relationship

Tue, 9 Dec 2008 00:44:41 -0800

Imago Relationship Therapy has a primary emphasis on structured dialogue with your partner (you can see my previous blog entry for more on Imago). As with any new skill, your new dialoguing skills will become more natural with practice. For that to happen you will need to make a space in your relationship for the dialogue. Think of the diagram below:

New Information
|
\/
Intentional and Conscious Practice
|
\/
Natural
Normal
A Habit

Make your new Imago skills Natural, Normal, and A Habit by creating physical and emotional space for Intentional and Conscious Practice. Only then will the New Information you are learning about Imago and about yourself and your partner become a living part of your relationship. If you Intend to improve your relationship, then you will. Become Intentional by using your Couple’s Dialogue.

Imago: Use your Relationship for Healing.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 16:00:05 -0700

Imago relationship therapy can move you from Conflict into Connection and, ultimately, into Healing!

This process starts with learning effective communication. Effective communication is essential to good relationships. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved or issues resolved without them. Defined as the verbal or non-verbal exchange of information, meaning, and feelings between two persons, communication covers every possible way we can interact. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot not communicate.

We often don’t realize how little we are listening to other people when they are speaking, especially our intimate partners, but are listening instead to our own internal response. We need to fully hear the message the other is sending so that the person will feel deeply heard. The realization that you accurately understand is healing for your partner, and it is a growth experience for you, even if you do not agree with what your partner is saying. Agreement is not necessary, but seeing the other’s point of view is. Taking time to accurately understand not only what the person is saying, but also what he or she means, increases safety, deepens your connection and effects mutual healing.

One of the most effective forms of healing communication between people in an intimate relationship is the Imago Dialogue. It consists of three steps: mirroring, validation, and empathy. If you are in an intimate relationship, working on this together is the best way to create a safe and healing relationship. However, if you are not currently in a relationship or your partner is not currently willing to engage with you in communicating in this way, it is possible to practice the principles of Imago Dialogue yourself or in a group situation. The principles of listening, understanding and empathizing can be applied to all relationships but the specifics will need to be adapted to be appropriate. Practicing these steps will feel awkward at first as well as difficult. But as you practice, the lines between each step slowly dissolve and you move from practicing Dialogue to becoming dialogical. Being committed to becoming dialogical in all your interactions is the most important element in creating safe, satisfying, and lasting relationships. Dialogue helps us understand the unique inner world of the other. We learn to see how their world works for them and to share our own world in ways that invite curiosity. We move towards becoming a whole, separate being in connection with another.

You can learn more about the the specifics of Imago Dialogue, here. You can find information about why Imago works, here. I hope you will also explore the many resources on the Imago Home Page. Ultimately, you may decide you want to contact a psychologist or therapist who works in the Imago style. You can contact me to learn more or to schedule a free phone consultation.

What we Work on in the “Keeping the Love You Find” Men’s Group.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 13:40:16 -0700

The purpose of the Imago-based intimacy group is to do the psychological work that will help each group member have better relationships and regain wholeness and aliveness. This Relationship Readiness work includes:

1. Saying goodbye to past partners. Unresolved attachment to grief over the loss of previous partners or relationships often interferes with openness to a new relationship.

1. Learning from past relationships. Looking at and changing repetitive patterns.

1. Identifying emotional wounds from childhood.

1. Identifying the character structure and character defenses developed to cope with wounds. Through this work we begin to heal our emotional wounds. Relationships become a place of healing rather than a place of re-wounding.

1. Understanding the origins of self-hatred and how it functions in developing character structure and partner selection. Self-rejection and self-hatred are the source of most difficulties in a relationship. They arise out of repression of parts of the self, which were rejected by parents and subsequently rejected by oneself. This serves as a defense against the danger of being rejected by others and thus re-wounded.

Sound complicated? The theory might be, but this group is about learning to take NEW action, and to move you toward CONNECTING with others in a safe, healing environment. The theory is less important than taking action to improve your relationships.

Interested in this group, but need more info? Contact me. If you think you’d like to join the group, you can schedule a free consultation with me to see if the group will help you achieve your relationship goals. Just go to the Schedule Online page.

Why an Imago Intimacy Group for Gay Men?

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 20:34:53 -0700

Soon, I will be starting a new set of “Keeping the Love You Find” Men’s Groups. This 12-week, Imago-based group is for men who want to improve the level of intimacy in their lives. As an introduction to the gay/bisexual group I am posting an article written by Dr. Paul Sussman that talks about the need for such a group. The article is posted with Dr. Sussman’s permission. If, after reading the article, you think this group is for you please feel free to contact me.

Why An "Intimacy Group" For Gay Men?
By Paul Sussman, Ph.D.

The old classic joke asking, "What do gay men bring to their second date?...What second date?" captures the belief many gay men (and much of the general public) have about gay male relationships, intimacy, sex and love.

Some of those beliefs stereotype gay men as sexual predators and long-term relationship failures. Consequently, many gay men feel a sense of hopelessness and frustration about finding, securing and developing a meaningful, functional and loving intimate relationship.

Some of the stereotypes of gay men leading a life filled with meaningless sexually-based relationships are based on a kernel of truth. Yes, there are gay men (and straight men, and women) who do avoid meaningful, deeper, intimate relationships and pursue sexual connections with little to no authentic connection.

Gay, straight, male or female, many individuals have difficulty with authentic contact and use the safety of brief, superficial contact to meet their needs. Just watch any talk show...gay men do not corner the market with relationship/intimacy struggles. It is a human phenomenon. There are, however, some particular factors in being a man and being gay, which contribute to the unique struggle for intimacy in gay men.

Historically, before Stonewall, gay liberation and the seventies, there was not an organized and welcoming gay community. Society viewed being gay as a sickness or sin, and the only contact one gay man could have with another man was brief, anonymous, sordid, secret and sexual. These historical roots of oppression (which still pervasively exist) contribute to the stereotype of gay-man-as-sexual-predator.

The pre-AIDS era of celebrating our liberation and gathering as a "free" and "out" community contributed to the gay-man-as-party-animal perception. The media and gay-oriented businesses selling SEX, SEX, SEX, adds to this equation. The straight media also sensationalizes the "hyper-sexual" gay male stereotype.

The unique equation and ease of men being sexual with other men, without worry of pregnancy or need for courting and attachment, also contributes to sexual focus and spontaneity of gay men. In general, whether gay or straight, men tend to express their emotions and affection through sexual expression.

Many gay men spent much of their childhood and adolescence worrying and wondering, "what is wrong with me?," feeling different, feeling inadequate as a man, sick, sinful and screwed-up. Most developing gay males do not reveal these concerns to anyone and keep their same-sex longing, feelings and fantasies buried deep inside as a shameful secret.

Often, after growing up and coming out, gay men often "forget" how painful and confusing those times were. Although some gay men have multiple child and adolescent same-sex experiences, for most sexuality is kept on ice, frozen, avoided and forbidden. As much as same-sex love and sexuality is inhibited and suppressed during our adolescent years, the eventual expression often compensates for it. For many, one's self- identification as a gay-men coupled with discovering a community of other gay men is like finding an oasis after wandering the desert for years.

Many gay men who are "coming out" discover the ease and availability of sexual experiences with other men and drink with a thirst they have hidden for years. Once the lid of "shame, inhibition and fear" is taken of the pot, the sexual expression often comes to a full boil. This is often a natural and understandable developmental phase for many gay men. The need to drink until the thirst is quenched.

Although sexual freedom and expression often feels wonderful and satisfying, there is also a limit to the pleasure if there is no deeper, more meaningful relationship experience. Although the sexual excitement, connection and release inherently feels good, it alone does not meet other essential human needs including feeling interpersonally connected, being deeply "known and understood" by another and experiencing the profound sense of trust in another.

Without "intimacy", the superficial connections with others eventually become empty and meaningless. Yet, even the historical roots of the word "intimacy" reveal its awesome challenge to our psychological and emotional development. The word "intimacy" comes from Latin and is translated as "moving into fear."

For many gay men in our sex and gay-negative culture, the integration or balancing of sex and intimacy is a challenge. Connecting our hearts and genitals often means "moving into fear." Often our hearts and genitals are disconnected because they've each been wounded by the scorn and rejection of them over the years of growing up gay in a culture, community or family that rejects a fundamental aspect of who we are and how we love.

To feel a sense of deep connection with another man that fills both our hearts and our genitals simultaneously, is to feel deeply. If we are disconnected from, or shameful about, our emotional, relationship and sexual wounds, to feel them deeply can be overwhelming and lead to a sense of fear and vulnerability.

An "intimacy group" for gay men provides a "safe place" to begin exploring different ways of relating to other gay men. It offers an opportunity to develop more genuine connections, to give and receive honest feedback with other gay men and to explore the unique defenses and survival mechanisms which may interfere with the development of more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Intimacy groups can offer an environment to discuss the emotional, social, sexual and interpersonal experiences of growing up as a gay boy, adolescent and man that may have been hurtful, difficult or humiliating. Groups with other gay men provide an opportunity to learn and practice relationship and social skills and to overcome the anxiety of authentically expressing oneself with other gay men.

Intimacy groups often challenge our fears of rejection that may inhibit our genuine expression with other men, whether gay or straight. To avoid facing our fears empowers that which we are afraid of. To "move into fear" is to conquer and master it.

Copyright (c) 1994-1997 by Pioneer Development Resources, Inc.
All rights reserved.

Want to learn more about what happens in the Keeping the Love You Find Men’s Group? Click here.

Interested in this group, but need more info? Contact me. If you think you’d like to join the group, you can schedule a free consultation with me to see if the group will help you achieve your relationship goals. Just go to the Schedule Online page.

San Diego and National Resources That Can Help After a Disaster.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 20:31:41 -0700

Talk to Someone Who Can Help, a brochure from the American Psychological Association about psychotherapy and choosing a psychologist can be ordered free of charge. Call 1-800-964-2000

Find a Psychologist, referrals for psychologists in the San Diego area are available through the San Diego Psychological Association’s Psychologist Information and Referral Service: San Diego 619-291-3451; North County Coastal 760-436-5527; North County Inland 760-489-1415; Poway/Rancho Bernardo 858-484-1400

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One, San Diego County Hospice offers group and individual grief-focused therapy for children and adults (619) 688-1600; Survivors of Violent Loss Program offers a program to help adults deal with the loss of a loved one by suicide, homicide, or other unnatural cause (619) 497-6609

Help for Crime Victims, help and advocacy is available through the San Diego District Attorney’s Victim Assistance Program. Call 619-531-4041

National Organization for Victims Assistance, 1730 Park Road, NW, Washington, D.C. 20010; toll-free 1-800- TRY- NOVA; in D.C. metropolitan area, (202) 232-6682; www.try-nova.org

Coping with Terrorism, a document that offers tips on managing this type of stress, can be found on the web at http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/topic.php?id=4

A Terrible Thing Happened, a storybook for children who have witnessed a violent or traumatic event, can be ordered online from www.maginationpress.com

I’ll Know What To Do: A Kid’s Guide to Natural Disasters, Bonnie S. Mark, Ph.D., and Aviva Layton, illustrated by Michael Chesworth, a book that helps kids understand and cope with feelings/reactions to frightening natural disasters, order online www.maginationpress.com

The American Red Cross has brochures available on line: Helping Young Children Cope with Trauma, When Bad Things Happen, Disaster Preparedness for People with Disabilities, and How Do I Deal With My Feelings? These documents can be retrieved and printed from the website at www.redcross.org/pubs/dspubs/terrormat.html

The local chapter of the American Red Cross may be able to direct you to additional resources. The San Diego/Imperial County Chapter can be reached at 619-542-7400 or online at livepage.apple.com www.sdarc.org

Emotional Reactions to Disasters, University of Illinois Cooperative Extension Service, is online at http://www.ag.uiuc.edu/~disaster/facts/emotion.html

How can I help myself and my family after a disaster or traumatic event?

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 20:19:14 -0700

There are a number of steps you can take to help restore emotional well being and a sense of control following a traumatic experience, including the following:
 Give yourself time to heal. Anticipate that this will be a difficult time in your life.
 Call about treatment and joining a PTSD support group that is led by an appropriately trained and experienced professional.
 Increase contact with other survivors of trauma. It can be helpful to know that you are not the only one who shares your experience.
 Reinvest in personal relationships with family and friends--people who will listen and empathize with your situation.
 Engage in healthy behaviors, such as refraining from alcohol and drug abuse and starting an exercise program.
 Volunteer in the community to help gain a sense of positive contribution.
 Become knowledgeable about what to expect as a result of trauma. For more information on what to expect, click here.

For resources, click here.

What Happens to People After a Disaster or Other Traumatic Event?

Sat, 26 May 2007 17:24:48 -0700

Have you ever felt so tense, discouraged, or angry that you were afraid you just couldn't cope; had an extremely stressful experience that you try not to think about, but it still continues to bother you or is repeated in nightmares; or felt constantly on guard or watchful, or been on edge or jumpy more than you really need to be? Have you ever had a family member who seemed troubled in these ways?
 If so, this information is for you.
 Trauma can cause severe stress, which may become unmanageable despite the best efforts of good stress management. Traumatic events cause severe stress reactions that are particularly hard to manage. Trauma involves a unique kind of physical/emotional shock that escalates the "fight-flight" stress response (feeling angry or scared) into "super-stress" (feeling terrified, stunned, horrified, like your life is passing before your eyes, or so overwhelmed you blank out).
 If you have ever experienced or witnessed war, disaster, a terrible accident, sexual or physical abuse or assault, hate crime, kidnapping or hostage-taking, or life-threatening illnesses, you know the shock of trauma. Traumatic stress can be managed, but special steps are necessary.
Step One is recognizing the signs of posttraumatic stress. Trauma is so shocking that it causes memories that are impossible to forget or sometimes impossible to recall. Trauma memories often repeatedly come back when you are not trying to think about them. Memories arise as unpleasant thoughts or nightmares. Sometimes you may feel as if you cannot stop reliving the event. The shock of trauma also may create blank spaces in your memory because it is too much for the mind to handle, and so the mind takes a time out. Traumatic stress reactions are normal responses to abnormal events. Most people experience posttraumatic stress reactions for days or even weeks after a trauma. Usually these reactions become less severe over time, but they may persist and become a problem.

Step Two is recognizing the ways of coping with traumatic stress that are natural but don't work, because they actually prolong and worsen the normal posttraumatic stress reactions. The ways of coping that do not work include: Trying to avoid people, places, or thoughts that are reminders; shutting off feelings or connections to other people that are reminders; or being hyper-vigilant or on guard.
Trying to avoid bad memories, trying to shut out feelings or people, or trying to stay always alert may seem reasonable. However, they don't work because trauma controls your life if you run from it.

Step Three, is to get help from a professional specializing in helping people who are coping with traumatic stress reactions or PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). Trauma memories cannot be erased, but the stress they cause can become very manageable.

Note: Portions of this post were adapted from information provided by the National Center for PTSD. For more information visit www.ncptsd.va.gov

Why the Therapy Dog?

Sat, 12 May 2007 11:40:09 -0700

Well, really! Who could turn away a face like that?
Shadow is a Texas girl, and in December 2005 she decided to drive cross country with me to come live in California. She was 12 weeks old at the time. As soon as she got home I knew that her gentle, loving personality would make her a great therapy dog. Shadow loves to snuggle with anyone who is willing, and she rarely barks. And because she is a Miniature Schnauzer, she is considered by allergists to be hypoallergenic. She sheds very little (about as much as a person). As I write this, she is a year and 7 months old.

Research has shown that many people are able to relax when animals are present. Tests have shown that the decrease in heart rate and blood pressure can be dramatic. Even watching fish swim in an aquarium can be very calming (you can try that at my office, too). It’s amazing to me how much a client’s mood can change when they start paying attention to Shadow. It’s just hard not to smile when Shadow’s around.

For some people, touch from another person is not acceptable, but the warm, furry touch of a dog or cat is. There are a number of programs for people who have been physically or sexually abused in which staff and volunteers are not allowed to touch the clients. In cases like these, having an animal to hold, hug, and touch can make a world of difference to people who would otherwise have no positive, appropriate physical contact. Pet therapy can be an important part of treatment for many clients, and Shadow is always ready for another client to sit next to.

What Can Help Me Stay Mentally Healthy Other than Therapy?

Tue, 1 May 2007 18:05:34 -0700

In addition to psychotherapy, there are a number of steps you can take to help maintain or restore emotional well-being:

Begin a journal to develop an emotional outlet.

Consult with your physician to rule out physical causes to your emotional distress. Sometimes medication can help.

Reinvest in personal relationships with family and friends--people who will listen and empathize with your situation. Social support in an important component of resilience to stress and mental illness.

Refrain from alcohol and drug use as a means to cope with stress.

Volunteer in the community to help gain a sense of positive contribution.

Spend more time doing pleasurable activities.

Join a relaxation or meditation group, such as Yoga.

Research is now showing that exercise is one of the best things we can do to help our brains develop fully, stay healthy, and prevent the mental signs of old age. A healthy physical brain means being mentally healthy as well. So, begin a personal fitness program that includes cardiovascular exercise. This can be an important part of stress management and can help improve your mood and reduce anxiety. A personal trainer can help you stay motivated. Otherwise, you can keep a varied routine to keep things interesting. Personally, I swim, play water polo, lift weights, and do Yoga. If you have concerns about what is best for you, consult with your physician.

Developing a Therapeutic Relationship with a Psychologist

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 18:36:22 -0700

There are a few steps to finding out if you are a good match with a particular psychologist.
Step One is choosing a psychologist you feel comfortable working with. Ask people you trust (for example, a physician, friend or family member) if they have a psychologist or other therapist they would recommend. You can also call local referral services, such as those provided by the San Diego Psychological Association’s Psychologist Information and Referral Service (I will be posting resources, but for now you can just email me for more info). Gather the names and contact information of several psychologists who you think might be of help.

Step Two is to contact the psychologists whose information you have collected. Be an informed consumer. Call several different psychologists to get an idea of the services they provide. You can then schedule a preliminary session to meet with a psychologist you feel can meet your needs. It can sometimes be helpful to have an initial consultation with up to three different psychologists to help you choose one psychologist with whom you feel comfortable and who understands the problems you are experiencing.

Step Three, after choosing one psychologist you feel comfortable with, give yourself time to get acquainted with the therapy process. Initially it may feel awkward disclosing personal information to your new psychologist, but over a few sessions you will likely feel more at ease. You may start to see changes in your life immediately, since the supportive environment a psychologist can provide may ease the stress in your daily life. Other problems can take some time to begin to resolve themselves. The length of therapy varies widely, and will depend on your particular needs and situation.